The First-Person Observer

Venice, Italy – An assassin attempting to relive the experiences of his Italian ancestor, using a device known as an Animus, has reported repeated connection problems that he says are hampering his progress.

Desmond Miles, an assassin, has been using a device known as the Animus 2.0, which allows him to experience the genetic memories of his ancestor, Ezio Auditore da Firenze, another assassin who lived in the late 1400′s. However, the Animus 2.o requires a constant connection the servers of Abstergo Industries, and maintaining that connection has been routinely troublesome for Miles.

“It’s frustrating, definitely” said Miles, as his connection was dropped for the fifth time that day. “When I lose my connection, I lose all the progress I’ve made, and I have to wait for the connection to reestablish itself before I can continue.”

“I could understand if I were engaging in some kind of some multi-assassin mode, where between two and twenty-four assassins were all connecting to the same server at the same time, to relive memories together.  Then, yeah, it would make sense to have to be constantly connected to the Abstergo server.”

“But this is a single-assassin experience. The memories are all contained in Animus 2.0, and I’m in the lab, connected to it legitimately… it seems stupid to have to be constantly connected to Abstergo’s server as well.”

Abstergo Industries has stated their strict policy of Digital Restriction of Memories, or DRM, is in place to prevent unregistered assassins from reliving their own ancestors’ genetic memories, though many genuine assassins, like Miles, complain that they are the ones having to deal with the connection problems.

“Meanwhile, some unregistered 13-year-old assassin has a pirated version of the Animus 2.0, that he got for free, and he doesn’t have to deal with this at all,” Miles said bitterly. “I’m an actual assassin and I’m being treated like a criminal.”

“I never had this problem with the original Animus,” he added. “Though those memories weren’t as much fun to relive. They were a little repetitive.”

Share This Story

Orion Sector, Stardate 87865.83 – Starfleet Command today promoted Commander James T. Grayson to the rank of Captain in recognition of his actions in repeatedly saving Starbase 24 from the same Klingon attack.

Grayson has now defended the Starbase from the same attack dozens of times, and despite having enlisted less than one Earth month ago, the young prodigy is among the most decorated individuals in Starfleet history, and is on pace to receive his Admiralship by the end of the week.

“I’d really love to know what these guys did to piss off the Klingons,” said Grayson, responding to yet another call from Admiral Grigori Yanishev, alongside 19 other vessels of various shapes and sizes. Based on precedent, Grayson remained confident that the enemy fleet would be eliminated in “about 20 minutes,” with the surviving science team transported safely — albeit briefly — to the U.S.S. McCoy.

“And then they’ll beam back to the Starbase, and then I bet the Klingons come right back in about an hour,” added Grayson as he sipped a steaming hot cup of Earl Grey. “I don’t know where they build all these ships. It’s like one of the Ensigns broke the holodeck or something.”

“Computer? End program,” he said, to no apparent effect.

Grayson’s Cruiser, the U.S.S. Hellas, has seen comparatively little action outside of rescuing the eternally-beleaguered Starbase, despite his theoretical mission to explore the distant frontiers of known space, ever pushing the envelope of human knowledge. The ship had managed to discover North America after a recent side trip to Earth, but was recalled to Starbase 24 before its crew could confirm the presence of life on the surface.

“I’m supposed to be exploring the Khazan Cluster or the Xleen System or some crap,” said Grayson. “Like I have time with Starbase 24 under major attack. How can I ignore their plight to go traipsing around the galaxy, ‘exploring strange new worlds’ or whatever.”

“City on the Edge of Never? Never seen it, never will.”

Story reported by Observer contributor Michael Fiegel.

Share This Story

Blackwater, West Elizabeth – As a newfangled mechanical contraption known as a “motorized wagon” arrived in Blackwater today, local officials  heralded a new age wherein the wanton theft of personal conveyances would finally be at an end.

Unlike horses, which can simply be climbed upon and spurred away by dastardly thieves, the motorized wagon is a complex mechanical wonder, featuring several pedals and levers, a turning-wheel, and complicated ignition device for its internal combustion engine, meaning a potential thief would have long minutes, or even hours of work in order to make off with the motorized contraption.

“It’s not as if some ruffian or ne’er-do-well could simply elbow through a wind-screen, clamber inside the motor wagon, connect a few lengths of wire, and accelerate off with a conveyance that he did not possess the deed to,” says Federal Bureau agent and horseless-carriage enthusiast Archer Fordham.

“Even if some miscreant did manage to perform the complicated steps in order to ignite the auto-engine,” Fordham continues, “and took the time to affix his driving goggles, steering gloves, and travel-smock, he would have to steer the motorized wagon slowly and carefully to prevent damaging it. These are incredibly rare and expensive machines, and not even a callous thief would risk colliding with telegraph poles, postal boxes, or water troughs as he made his get-away.”

Nearly theft-proof, these gasoline-powered mechanical wagons could be safely left outside saloons and brothels while the owner conducted his business inside.

“Even if the owner had to climb the steps of some grand, three-story, sky-scraping courthouse or spend time shopping for tonics and cure-alls in his city’s general store, his personal conveyance would be perfectly safe from theft upon his return,” Fordham says.

“And in the unlikely event an illicit wagon operator might speed away with the power of more than one horse, the thief would find himself confined to cobblestone roads and well-worn dirt paths, making him quite easy to track down, arrest, and hang.”

There are other benefits to replacing horses with motorized carriages.  The newfangled auto-wagons do not litter the street with messy excrement as horses do, instead expelling only beautiful dark clouds of harmless diesel fumes.

“I picture a futuristic world where horses have been entirely replaced with these wonderful, gleaming motor-wagons,” Fordham says.  “I see a time when you might witness four, perhaps even five motorized carriages in each city. And theft of such personal transportation contraptions would be non-existent.”

“Mark my words,” he added. “Motorized wagons are the best invention since torn bread.”

Share This Story

Enrichment Center, Aperture Science Laboratories — A female test subject, freshly awakened from a relaxation vault in a secret underground laboratory, has begun to wonder if the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device she is testing makes her ass look big.

The experimental device can manufacture two linked portals through which light and matter can pass, and after placing parallel portals on walls a few feet apart, the test subject, named Chell, has discovered she can peer through one portal and view her own backside, which, she thinks, looks big.

“Does my ass look big in this portal?” she wondered aloud. “Oh, it looks terrible. Terrible. This orange jumpsuit is all bunchy and bulky, I might as well be wearing a burlap sack.”

“My butt looks even bigger down there,” she said, referring to one of the versions of herself that were duplicated over and over into infinity through the portals. “I think each portal adds ten pounds.”

“These heels aren’t helping either,” she noted, referring to the metal impact-negating prostheses attached to her calves.

Chell continued to view herself through the portal, and along with her concerns regarding the appearance of her ass, she also considered the poor state of her hairdo and complexion after spending an unspecified amount of time in stasis.

“My hair looks awful,” she stated after repositioning the two portals perpendicularly in a corner and stepping close so she could view her profile.”Total bed-head. Oh, my skin, too. My pores are totally clogged. I hope one of these portals opens into a spa.”

Doug Rattmann, a previous Aperture Science test subject now living in seclusion in maintenance areas and crawlspaces of the facility, remained hidden from the concerned, slightly insecure woman.

“I don’t really want to talk to her when she’s in this kind of mood,” he whispered from the section of ductwork he was crouching in. “Anyway, her butt looks fine. Totally great. She totally pulls off that jumpsuit look.”

“Why is she so worried?” he added. “Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?”

Chell, a few chambers away, took one last look at her own butt before shrugging, sighing, and continuing through the facility.

“Either way,” she said, “When I’m done here, I’d better skip the cake.”

Story idea by Observer contributor Michael Fiegel.

Share This Story

Arkham Asylum, Gotham City — Legendary Gotham City crime-fighter Batman, after years of vigilante service combating thugs, monsters, and super villains, gradually learned a number of basic crime-fighting moves while dealing with the Joker’s recent takeover of Arkham Asylum.

Despite his years of experience battling numerous insane villains and their hordes of goons and ruffians, Batman, Gotham’s mysterious masked avenger, discovered there is still much to learn about unarmed attacks and evasive maneuvers, such as how to perform unarmed attacks and evasive maneuvers.

“This works great,” Batman growled, throwing one attacking Arkham goon into another. “Throwing one goon into another goon and stunning them both is a great way to deal with crowds of enemies. Why haven’t I tried at some earlier point in my long career of fighting crowds of enemies?”

“Takes a little getting the hang of, though,” he added, attempting another throw and failing. “I’ll have to work on that.”

After foiling the Joker’s latest plan to kill the mayor, Batman was escorting the notorious villain back to the asylum he’d escaped from earlier. Suddenly, after long minutes of foreshadowing, taunting, and other hints of his impending escape, the Joker escaped, taking over the asylum and sending his thugs after Batman, who then began to learn a series of combat moves to deal with the threat.

“Just in time, too,” growled Batman, hanging upside-down from one of Arkham’s many interior stone gargoyles. “I was just dangling here, inverted, wondering how to take down these thugs below me, when I suddenly learned how to do an inverted takedown.”

When facing a murderous escaped lunatic named Victor Zsasz, Batman found himself looking for a way to stealthily take down the criminal. It was at that moment he tried a glide kick, which involves sailing through the air with his cape extended and landing feet-first on his target, for the first time in his career.

“Another useful move,” Batman said. “Glad I suddenly learned that. Makes wearing a cape for all these years totally worth it.”

As he continued taking down enemies, he felt himself becoming more experienced in fighting, and hoped that experience would lead him to further breakthroughs in the art of combat. Spotting a criminal approaching the corner he was concealed behind, Batman waited patiently.

“I just hope I learn some way to take down an enemy from around a corner,” he growled quietly.

“It sure would come in handy right about now.”

Share This Story

Delgado Vineyards, Chile — Three members of an all-Chilean bodyguard detail tasked with protecting Don Fernando Delgado and his son, Manuel, have reported seeing no sign of a deadly Caucasian assassin who may be attempting to infiltrate their ranks.

The guards patrolling a party at Don Delgado’s vineyard remained vigilant and alert, on the off-chance a highly trained killer should attempt an assassination of the drug kingpin and his son. Scanning the party guests and holding their shotguns at the ready, they remained wary but reported seeing no signs of an interloper thus far.

Chilean-born bodyguard Carlos Javier Acevado, age 32, wiped sweat from his dark-skinned face as he considered the situation. “We’re haven’t seen anything suspicious yet,” Acevado said in Spanish. “Well, except for a neatly folded black suit on the ground and a puddle of blood by the cliffs.”

“Initially, that seemed suspicious,” he continued, “but after a couple minutes I decided it was nothing to worry about. Anybody could have dropped a suit and some blood. It doesn’t mean there’s an assassin at the party.”

“I found a briefcase with a sniper rifle in it near the front gate, “Guillermo Miguel Salazar, also a native of Chile, explained. “It seemed odd, but not terribly alarming. If anything really suspicious happens, though, we’ll be ready.”

A third member of the guard detail refused give his name or to offer a statement. Instead, the bald, pale-skinned Chilean with a bar-code tattooed across the back of his head scowled silently, slowly edging behind the other two guards, with one hand held conspicuously behind his back.

“We’re well-trained,” said Acevado. “I don’t think we could be easily infiltrated. We’ve all known each other for years.” He waved at Salazar and the glaring, white-skinned guard, who was now crouching silently behind them, his eyes darting around the courtyard.

“We know what all guards wear: camo vest, short-sleeved shirt, and hat. As long as someone is wearing those items of clothing, we know they’re one of us. It’s a simple, fool-proof identification system.”

“Sorry, that’s all I can tell you,” Acevado continued. “I have to go. I think I heard a coin bouncing around somewhere over there, so I need to go stare at it for a few moments.”

“A dropped coin could be the sign of something sinister,” he added. “As a guard, you can’t be too careful.”

Share This Story