USG Ishimura, Aegis 7– An engineer battling hordes of mutated Necromorphs aboard the planetary mining ship Ishimura sure wishes he could see the health meter built onto the back of his spacesuit.
“Who designed this stupid spacesuit?” asked Isaac Clarke, a systems engineer, while whirling around and craning his neck in an effort to view his own back. “They built the health meter on the spine? Really? On the spine? Who is this supposed to be useful for, someone standing behind me?”
Clarke was stationed aboard the USG Kellion, which was dispatched to the Ishimura to repair their malfunctioning communications array. After the Kellion crashed into the massive planetary mining ship, Clarke quickly found himself alone and surrounded by the twisted, reanimated corpses of the former crew of the Ishimura. Armed only with mining tools and fighting for his life, Clarke sure would like to know the status of his health and how close he is to dying.
“As an engineer, I don’t believe in form over function,” he said. “I guess the designer of the suit didn’t want to clutter my visor screen with data, or something. But building the heath meter on the back of my suit, where I can’t see it, while space-saving and aesthetically pleasing, isn’t exactly useful for me, the guy wearing the suit and wondering how close to death he is.”
“Is it blue? Is it red? I have no idea. I’m definitely on a need-to-know basis with how close I am to my own death, but unless I find a mirror or maybe someone to follow me around, walking behind and slightly to the side of me, constantly pointing out how badly injured I am in a loud voice, it’s gonna continue to be a flippin’ mystery.”
“Hey, random necromorph!” Clarke yelled sarcastically to the darkened, labyrinthine corridors of the ship. “If you’re creeping up behind me, before you rend me to bloody ribbons with your claws, maybe you could let me know my health status. Since I have no idea what it is. That’d be great. If you could do that.”
“Thanks,” he added.
You guys are so lame, my healthbar is friggin huge and I can’t even die!
At least you have a fancy suit that displays your health and ammo for you. All I get is this breast tattoo that vaguely shows how close to death I am.
What in the name of all I fought for is a health meter?
You damn kids are so ungrateful.
Back in my day, we didn’t have these flashy ‘health bars,’ or ‘bullet time,’ and if the Translucent Menace got you, well, that was it.
You think you have it bad, our military grade health meters show us our health status by clouding our vision with bits of jam. Red stuff everywhere. Maybe they think we’re stupid and we won’t know how close we are to dying from the pain of getting shot every couple of seconds, but this just makes it harder to shoot our enemies, and our eyes get covered in more jam!
RAMIREZ! GRAB AN RPG FROM THE BACK ROOM AND TAKE DOWN THAT HELICOPTER!
at least he has a health meter i only have a shield meter that just flashes red when my shields are down my last armour was better at least it had a health meter.
Click, click.
*Purring noises*
Fhuuuwhup.
*Moar purring noises.*
Google translate:
This suit looks like it sucks.
Can I take it apart? No?
YEAH, WELL YOU’RE AN ASSHAT!
My head looks like a penis, so I explode when everyone near me dies.
Why do I have the weirdest feeling that someone is following me around with a camera? It’s freaking me out.
Health… bar… Hurr hurr hurr… Bar… hurr hurr hurr, ya gettin’ it? Bar! Ah ya people dun ken any humor. Wynne’s more open to that than you. Ya gettin’ it? More open! Har hahaha!
What a weird system. Although what we have here at the TCTF is a little odd too–whenever anyone gets into a fight, colored flashes appear around them whenever they get hit. It even happens to regular people! Did they put something in the air to make this happen?
Consider yourself lucky Isaac. At least you’re not used AS a healthbar.
Man, stop whining. The only way I know how close to death I am is if my vision becomes saturated. And that only happens when I’m pretty much going to die.
Oh yeah? Every time I’m gunning down one of these Locust creeps, this random red gear pops up dead center of my vision when I get shot!
It isn’t all bad, though. Sometimes it helps me aim.
You think that’s bad? I have hearts at the top of my screen to show how my health is. I’m a warrior for christs sake, at least make it look badass! That’s not even the worst part, when my health goes down really low, this really annoying beeping noise starts beeping every second, and the only way to make it stop is to go scavenge for hearts, and the hyrule morgue is only open on tuesdays. I end up rolling into trees and fighting more monsters to get health, or drink milk. I’m lactose intolorant, I get hives everytime I drink it. FML.
I got the same problem. My energy meter is located on my Proton Pack, which I WEAR ON MY BACK.
Spengler’s an idiot.
It’s not just health bars. My Jetpack and other backpack-mounted tools of destruction have the same style of meter. Why did Samanya think it was important to tell EDF soldiers sneaking up behind me whether I could fly away or not?
I built that.
http://www.squidoo.com/bedframes Thanks for that awesome posting. It saved MUCH time
Thanks for your write-up on the vacation industry. I’d also like to add that if you are one senior contemplating traveling, it can be absolutely imperative that you buy travel cover for golden-agers. When traveling, golden-agers are at biggest risk of experiencing a professional medical emergency. Obtaining the right insurance policies package in your age group can safeguard your health and give you peace of mind.